Why Things Fall Apart

Work-related Problems
Research shows that husbands whose wives worked were less satisfied with their own jobs and lives than were men whose wives did not work. This personal dissatisfaction will naturally lead to negative effects. If the role of “breadwinner” is threatened as it has been defined in the relationship, the relationship is in trouble.

Excessive Intimacy Claims
In most relationships the members make intimacy claims on each other. Such claims may include expectations that the partner will sympathize or empathize, attend to self-disclosures with total absorption, or share the other’s preferences with equal intensity. These intimacy claims often restrict personal freedom and may take the form of possessiveness. To be always responsive, always sympathetic, always loving, always attentive is more than many can manage. In some relationships, the intimacy claims and demands are so great that the partner’s identity may be in danger of being destroyed.

Financial Difficulties
Money is so important in relationships because of its close connection with power. The breadwinner wields the most power within the relationship. This person has the final say on large purchases or even a measly allowance. This power can spread from money matters to relational matters very quickly. Men and women look at money differently due to inherent relational or content dimensions. Anyone who’s ever built a house together can attest to this.

Relationship Changes
Changes in behavior may create difficulties. If you once devoted lots of time to your partner and to the relationship and now are totally absorbed with business or school, your relationship is going to face significant repercussions. The person who develops an addiction to chemicals, alcohol, the internet or even Pokemon will likewise present the relationship with a serious problem.

Sex-Related Problems
Few relationships are free of sexual differences and problems. Most people seem to resign themselves to living with the problem rather than doing something about it. Although sexual frequency is not related to relationship breakdown, sexual satisfaction is. It’s the quality, not the quantity, of a sexual relationship that is crucial. When the quality is poor, outside affairs may be sought and these contribute significantly to breaking up.

Third-Party Relationships
You establish and maintain relationships to maximize your pleasure and minimize your pain. When this ceases to be the case, the relationship stands little chance of survival. These needs are so great that when they are not met within the relationship, their fulfillment is sought elsewhere. When a new relationship serves these needs better, the old relationship may deteriorate. When your need for affection or attention, once supplied by your significant other, is now supplied by someone else (or sometimes something else,) the primary relationship is in trouble.

Undefined Expectations
Expectations over who’s in charge are a frequent cause of relational difficulties. Often, conflicts over who does the dishes or who walks the dog mask resentment and hostility concerning some more serious unresolved expectation. At times the expectations each person has of the other may be unrealistic, and when reality enters the relationship, difficulties arise. For example, in a new relationship, the partners might think they will want to spend all their time together. When it’s discovered that neither one does, each resents the “lessening” of feeling in the other.

Traditional sex-role stereotypes also play into this type of deterioration. Deviations from the expected gender roles within a relationship may reduce the level of satisfaction of both partners involved.

Unrealistic Beliefs about Relationships
The way in which you think about relationships can influence the course of a relationship. Review the handout, “What do think about Relationships” and develop a scene with dialogue that best displays this type of deterioration.