Hand Dance

Self-Defeating Drivers

One approach to unrealistic beliefs is to focus on what Pamela Butler (1981) calls “drivers,” beliefs that may motivate you to act in ways that are self-defeating. Because these drivers set unrealistically high standards, they make it impossible for you to accomplish the very things you feel are essential for approval by others and by yourself.

Recognizing that you may have internalized such drivers is the first step to eliminating them. The second step involves recognizing that these drivers are in fact unrealistic and self-defeating. The third step is to substitute realistic and self-affirming beliefs for these self-defeating drivers. How would you rephrase each of these five drivers into realistic and productive beliefs?

1.The drive to be perfect impels you to try to perform at unrealistically high levels at work, school, and home; anything short of perfection is unacceptable.

2.The drive to be strong tells you that weakness and any of the more vulnerable emotions like sadness, compassion, or loneliness are wrong.

3.The drive to please others leads you to seek approval from others; you assume that if you gain the approval of others, then you’re a worthy and deserving person, and if others disapprove of you, then you’re worthless and undeserving.

4.The drive to hurry up compels you to do things quickly, to do more than can be reasonably expected in any given amount of time.

5.The drive to try hard makes you take on more responsibilities than any one person can be expected to handle.

Power

• Referent Power

• Legitimate Power

• Reward Power

• Coercive Power

• Expert Power

• Information or Persuasive Power

Ban on Marriage

What Do You Believe About Relationships?

For each of the following statements, select the number  (1 to 7) of the category that best fits how much you agree or disagree. Enter that number on the line next to each column.

7 = agree completely
6 = agree a good deal
5 = agree somewhat
4 = neither agree or disagree
3 = disagree somewhat
2 = disagree a good deal
1 = disagree completely


1.  If a person has any questions about the relationship, then it means that there is something wrong with it.

2.  If my partner truly loved me, we would not have any quarrels.

3.  If my partner truly cared, he or she would always feel affection for me.

4.  If my partner gets angry at me or is critical in public, this indicates he or she doesn’t really love me.

5.  My partner should know what is important without my telling him or her.

6.  If I have to ask for something I really want, it spoils it.

7.  If my partner really cared, he or she would do what I asked.

8.  A good relationship should not have any problems.

9.  If people really love each other they should not have to work on their relationship.

10.  If my partner does something that upsets me, I think it’s because he or she deliberately wants to hurt me.

11.  When my partner disagrees with me in public, I think it’s a sign that he or she doesn’t care for me very much.

12.  If my partner contradicts me I think that he or she doesn’t have respect for me.

13.  If my partner hurts my feelings, I think it’s because he or she is mean.

14.  My partner always tries to get his or her own way.

15.  My partner doesn’t listen to what I have to say.

How Confirmative are You?

In your typical communications, how likely are you to display the following behaviors?

5 = always
4 = often
3 = sometimes
2 = rarely
1 = never

1. I acknowledge the presence of another person both verbally and non verbally.
2. I support or take issue with what the person says.
3. I maintain nonverbal contact.
4. I communicate with concern and respect.
5. I signal understanding.
6. I reflect the other person's feeling as a way of expressing understanding.
7. I ask appropriate questions.
8. I respond to requests for communication.
9. I encourage disclosure.
10. I respond directly and exclusively.

Rubric - Personal Contract

Outcomes

• Understand the axioms of interpersonal communication and the principles of the self.
• Identify the strengths and weaknesses of the perceptual process of communication.
• Distinguish between the risks and advantages involved in increasing self-disclosure.

Point Value: 200

Activity Description
Discover your self-concept; how you see yourself, how you think others might perceive you, and how others might actually perceive you. This requires you to take a personal inventory of your strengths, virtues, weaknesses, vices, values, beliefs, opinions and attitudes (items found in your open and hidden panes of the JoHari Window). You will also need to talk with people close to you and ask how they perceive you based on your inventory.

Read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz.

Outline agreements you’ve made that you would like to break. Your hidden pane may have agreements that allow you to discount your self worth or your companion’s. Your blind pane may have old habits that can interfere with the way you communicate.

Outline agreements you want to make that can help you reach interpersonal competency and personal freedom.

Draft your personal contract indicating your discoveries and agreements. This document should demonstrate your understanding of agreements, the Self Concept, and the JoHari Window.

Activity Rubric
1. The Personal Contract represents self-discoveries based on the learner’s own inventory, what the writer believed others’ opinions were about their self, and what the writer learned about themselves through the disclosure of others.

Below Expectation (0-16) Satisfactory (17-29) Exemplary (30-40)

2. The Personal Contract reflects the learner’s understanding of Ruiz’s idea of agreements.

Below Expectation (0-16) Satisfactory (17-29) Exemplary (30-40)

3. The Personal Contract reflects the learner’s understanding of the Self Concept.

Below Expectation (0-16) Satisfactory (17-29) Exemplary (30-40)

4. The Personal Contract reflects the learner’s understanding of the JoHari Window.

Below Expectation (0-16) Satisfactory (17-29) Exemplary (30-40)

5. The Personal Contract reflects the learner’s understanding of the risks and rewards of self-disclosure.

Below Expectation (0-16) Satisfactory (17-29) Exemplary (30-40)